How would you like your eulogy to read if you got to write it?

Afterall it is your life, how would you tell it?

Photo by Patrick Fischer on Unsplash

I can’t say I’m a funeral connoisseur. I’ve probably been to a grand total of about 6 funerals in my life. Four old people who died of long-life related complications, 1 cancer victim, and 1 murder victim. I have one grandparent alive still, but I never attended the other 3 because
a) I was not born yet, and
b) live in another country.
Distance can be a real kill-joy.

In the last year, I’ve been to 2 funerals. And the eulogy is what I’m always most interested in. Sure, I know the person we’re collectively joined in a sadness at their death while we remember their life, but I don’t know them in their completeness. That’s what the eulogy does — fleshes them out more, gives their history, provides their backstory to the journey they took to this moment. Given we’re all a collection of our experiences to date, this is about getting know some of their collection. Obviously the content is interesting, but I cannot help by consider that the content is also tainted by whoever it is that got the short straw of writing (& presenting) the eulogy. It’s from their perspective, a highlight reel filled with cherry-picked occasions that the writer thought would be important.

For some reason, it seems to follow a process with details like:
* When & where they were born to who
* What job their dad did (most women from 80+ years ago only had married life)
* What hospital they were born in (it appears to be important for some reason. I don’t even know the name of the hospital I was born in, except it was for non-white people during Apartheid South Africa).
* Their birth order position.
Then we move onto their “growing” stage:
* When and where they grew up
* School they went to. If they were particularly gifted in sports or music, it’s usually mentioned here.
* When they finished school, what college/work they started in
* The process to gaining qualifications or a job
* When & how they met their spouse, got married, had X children, Y grandchildren.
And then we finish with a list of their favourite hobbies, activities & about 3 fun facts, and what they did in their final years of life. Done.

It’s almost like a recipe that you personalise to your deceased. Usually personalised by a child, grandchild or sibling.

It got me thinking: Who would write my eulogy recipe card? My parents would probably already be dead, so I guess my siblings.
Mmm… what is their perspective of their older sister?
Given it’s a pretty emotional time, what frame of mind would they be in? Capable of doing me justice, or just doing if because they have to in a very short turn-around time period?

All in all, I don’t want that eulogy style for me. It’s just not me.
Let’s be real, the only reason why we turn up to funerals (in real life or virtually) is usually because we have a connection to the deceased. The emotions we feel, the sense of loss, the sadness and grief at the empty spot in our life we are feeling is a result of the way that person made us feel while they were alive. Their actions. Their words. Their impact.

So I decided to write my own eulogy. Right now, in real time, telling my story filled with my actions, my learnings, my relationships, and my choices. What I’m doing everyday in my waking life, but also the journey I’ve come, the experiences I’ve collected that have ultimately led me to this point in my life. To this me. Now. She’s different to the me I was 10 years ago. And no doubt will be somewhat different to the me 10 years from now.

The questions I ask myself are:

1. What do my siblings mean to me? As a kid vs now, as adults? How have I/do I express that?
2. What does my dad and mum mean to me? What’s the best memory I have of him? What’s one thing he taught me? What’s one thing I wish I told him?
3. What made me choose the career I have chosen? Did I accomplish what I hoped for? What did I learn? What did I experience? Where has it taken me? How did it refine me?
4. Who have I collected over the years? Why?
5. What have I been looking for in a relationship? With myself? With my closest friends? With my partner?
6. What has been the most impactful experience in my life and how has that shaped me?
7. What brings me joy? Why?
8. Who brings me joy? Why?
9. What are my fun activities, and why?
10. If there was one thing I could do over, what would it be?

The irony of this activity, writing my own eulogy has given me a greater sense of purpose, a comforting sense of achievement and fulfilment while also highlighting the areas in my life that I need to focus a bit more on. And also the aspects of myself that could do with an improvement. When you know better, you can do better, right?

Write the best story you can. While you can.