10 things I wish I knew about surviving murder…

Photo by Sam Moghadam Khamseh on Unsplash

12 months ago today, my uncle was murdered.

A callous act, a hit, execution style. Someone deliberately chose to end his life. A story of betrayal and being at the wrong place at wrong time.

Currently it is an on-going investigation, so I cannot comment on who, or why. Neither can I comment on possibilities or potential scenarios that led to his killing. That’s the nature of a legal investigation though: the authorities investigate, and collect the evidence to bring justice to criminal behaviour. Because his death was that, is that: criminal behaviour.

6 days ago, 6 innocent civilians going about their lives were murdered in a shopping centre in Bondi, Sydney. While my uncle was shot at close range, these individuals were stabbed at close range. Unlike the Australian victims whose murderer was also killed, my uncle’s murder received zero press coverage in Australia and his murderer(s) are living free (still)… a frustration I sometimes struggle to contain. Regardless, the outcome is the same: unnecessary death, carnage, destruction, grief, sorrow, unending questions, an insatiable yearning for justice. And a pain that never leaves. It just reshuffles itself into a more manageable form over time. The Sydney incident brought everything to the surface. But unlike last year, where I was a complete novice at navigating the aftermath of murder, I’ve had 12 months on this journey. And it is a journey, an isolating, hard journey.

When it happened, one of the first things I did was google “how to cope with murder of a loved one”. I didn’t find anything particularly useful. There are focus groups, support groups, books, Ted Talks, 1000s of articles focused on how to deal with the death of a loved one who has died from cancer, suicide, drug abuse, HIV, car accidents, even domestic violence. But murder? Not really, nothing beyond the generic advice like see a counsellor, grief is a process, etc. …

At the time I wondered why, given that people unfortunately get murdered all the time by parasitic grubs encased in human form. And now that I found myself in this wretched situation, I wanted help from someone who had experienced this before. Anyone. Please help me. And there was none.

But now I get it: it’s too pain-filled, it’s too confusing, it’s too hard to come up with a 10 step plan that will get you rebounding again for something that ultimately challenges your existence. If my uncle can by murdered, what about me and members of my extended family? It’s not an overactive imagination thinking about what would I do in the face of the butt of a gun… No, it’s the mind trying to find answers to questions that will never be answered:

• did he see it coming?
• did they talk to him?
• did he have time to plead for his life? OR
• was he totally unaware?
• did he feel pain?
• was he conscious, and if so, for how long?
• how long did it take for him to die?

And so many more Q’s, some too graphic to actually write about even if they plague my imagination. And then, it lands with me… what would I have done if I were there? Trying to plot a defensive strategy to stop this murder in hindsight is torturous. And 100% irrational.

Grief mixed with self-preservation doesn’t need logic.

For those who’ve lost loved ones via murder, we end up in a unique group that no one in society wants to be part of, no one plans for, and very few know how to navigate: The Murder Victim’s Surviving Family Club.

There is something completely different about losing a loved one via murder that no other way of dying can compare. Truth be told, an accident has the same impact: unexpected death and removal of someone in our world. But in the case of an accident, it is an accident — not intentional. While murder on the other hand is intentional, deliberate, focused actions used to end the life of someone we know, love, in our world. It’s the highest form of theft. Stealing their life, future, and their role in our life and future.

Now some may say forgiveness is the best medicine. And to be honest, that is true: bitterness makes you into a living corpse. Craving retribution takes your mind to places you never believed was possible for you to go to. But then you have to live with the consequences of your actions, right? Turning into the abominable human that did this to you doesn’t help you.

For me, justice was and is important: do the crime, you need to do the time. If you’re willing to steal someone else’s life, then you’ve forfeited your right to remain in society, creating memories, building dreams and having adventures. You are a self-proclaimed menace to society, and as such need to be locked away. I’m already planning what to say to these human leeches in court one day. I don’t think it will mean a whole lot to them with their heart of coal, but I need to do it. For me. For my uncle. For everyone person who has been murdered. And for everyone one of us who has to live on. You see, suppressing feelings isn’t healthy too. Feel those feelings, paint your anger out, talk to a counsellor, purge, clean, take up boxing, write a Medium article (like me), do whatever it is you need to do to feel those feelings, have those thoughts and get that pent up energy out of your system in a healthy, non-hurtful way otherwise it will become all consuming.

My advice for anyone in this horrible situation: find your suitable justice whatever it is: forgive and forget, forgive and remember, forgive and seek justice, find a productive activity, start a charity. Whatever it is that solidifies the presence of your loved one in a meaningful way to you and others. For me, it was/is volunteering to clean beaches and plant trees. Every piece of plastic and cigarette butt I pick up, I save the life of a turtle, fish, sea creature. For every tree I plant, I’m making the world greener, purifying oxygen and making a better environment for future generations. Something my uncle would have wanted. It’s been about finding a way to give meaning to his death, to produce life from death, and to be the exact opposite of the low life vermin who stole his life.

If you find yourself in this situation now, part of this awful Murder Victim’s Surviving Family Club that no one wants to or plans to be in, I get you. I honestly wish there were a few Ted Talks, blogs, a self-help guide, and ideally even a book that walks you through the aftermath. But here’s my experience, what I wish I’d known, what I’d wished was available to me. I hope it helps you.

Things you may go through after the murder of your loved one:

1. Numbness.
   Like not feeling, seeing or hearing anything. Just numbness. It’s hard to absorb the aftermath. And it’s completely normal to feel that way. Emotional numbness is a common symptom of post traumatic-stress disorder. It’s our way of trying to protect ourselves from the avalanche of emotions/reactions that is difficult to absorb all at the same time. Sometimes it’s even subconscious. But if it drags on too long, it can actually be detrimental, worsening PTSD. Here’s some good resources I found that helped me:
   - https://www.ptsduk.org/emotional-numbness/
   - https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/feeling-emotionally-numb/
2. Vomiting.
   A lack of appetite, but regardless of food intake or not, you find yourself vomiting often at the slightest trigger. This is considered “stress vomiting” Stress vomiting, as the name suggests, is primarily caused by excessive stress or anxiety. Under high levels of stress — and let’s face it, the aftermath of a murdered loved one is off-the charts STRESS — triggers either a fight or flight response. In the fight-or-flight response, our body literally is preparing for perceived danger (imagined or otherwise). The body releases stress hormones like adrenaline that affect our digestive tract, leading to vomiting. Secondly the vagus nerve runs from our brain to the organs of our digestive tract: the emotions, thoughts, confusion that you’re feeling/attempting to process intellectually affects your digestive tract too. Anxiety, fear isn’t fun in the mind, heart or gut.
   - https://www.charliehealth.com/post/the-link-between-stress-and-vomiting#:~:text=Trauma%20can%20have%20a%20profound,and%20not%20a%20deliberate%20action.
   - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3893663/
   - https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22279-vagus-nerve
3. A pre-occupation with the mode of murder. I know, totally morbid and something most folks wouldn’t think about it. For me it was all about understanding the mode of killing in order to work out degree of suffering: none of us want our loved one to have suffered, and so in the absence of clear answers, we try to find answers ourselves. And for some that may be in the form of finding info relating to the mode of death. For me, it was all about guns, bullets, the survival rate of being shot in different parts of the body, the time a person can stay conscious after being shot… I found this part of my behaviour disturbing and yet I was driven to try to understand. The thing is your brain is trying to make sense of this unbelievable loss, and the mode of this loss… it’s not for everyone, but if it helps you, go for it. But be aware not everyone wants to know or understand, and that’s okay too.
4. Nightmares.
   You will create the murder scene in your dreams, nights on end, sometimes days on end. You’re trying to work out what went wrong, what made your person vulnerable. Even though you weren’t there, but the impact is so deeply permeable, you are partially recreating the days, hours leading up to the event, and partially being haunted by the brutality of the murder. There’s no way around this but to go through it with a counsellor by your side. Lack of sleep affects your health, your psyche, your emotions, your ability to think better and process your feelings. If left un-helped, you can become trapped on a slippery slope downhill. When this starts, you need help. It’s okay to ask for help. I spoke to my GP too, got some melatonin, sleepy tea and did what was recommended to get myself to sleep — a few hours is better than no hours, working towards a regular sleep pattern.
5. Badgering the police.
   Calling them everyday, asking for the latest, asking for the newest, asking for…I have no idea, but you ask a lot of Q’s. I’m sure it starts to annoy them. But the sense of helplessness, not knowing, wanting justice and retribution, anger and fear, it drives you. The sitting around, waiting, the silence makes the hours extra long and heavy. But you have a sense of urgency to find the killer(s), to make right the wrong, to set the balance again, to put the evil in a place that it cannot hurt you or your loved ones again. Eventually they tell you to stop. And you have to, because well, you need them. I found recording my questions in a voice-memo helpful. Sometimes you just need an outlet. It’s important to have a useful outlet, for EVERYONE.
   FYI: playing detective is not a useful outlet. Trying to the job for the cops is not a useful outlet. Know your limits.
6. Realise that murder investigations can take time.
   I get it, you want justice, retribution, answers NOW. You also want to go back in time & stop this altogether, but that cannot be done. After you get through the soul numbing shock, the hurt, pain, anger kick in and you want answers now. But unless a murder is a straight forward, with camera footage & a dead murderer like what happened in Bondi, it can take years, decades even. It’s not always a clear-cut event. And if it happens overseas, that makes it extra complicated as the Australian government do not get involved in the murders of Australians overseas. You’re essentially left to the will of the local police force. If that is you (like that is me), brace yourself. This doesn’t mean you have to accept what has happened and that justice will never come, but you have to accept this is a marathon not a sprint. Hold on.
7. Triggers.
   You will be triggered. For me it’s plain white Armani T-shirts, particular styles of women’s shoes, Blundstone boots, Joop aftershave and certain dishes/cakes. My uncle was a shoe designer who lived in plain white Armani tees. There’s a few dishes and a particular cake that my mother makes that he LOVED. I haven’t eaten them since. He always wore Joop. Sometimes I find my heart rate hitting sky high and feeling nauseous before I even recognise what it is. I forced myself to do exposure therapy: looking at Armani men’s tees in a department store, sitting in a women’s shoe shop, visiting a workboot shop, geting Joop samples at fragrance counters. At least now I can calm my breathing in public instead of vomiting and spontaneously crying.
8. Cemetery time.
   You may want to go to the cemetery a lot. Or you may not want to go at all. There’s no right or wrong answer with this one. Let’s be honest, murder occurs so much in movies, TV shows, fiction stories, even in the media, yet it’s still not something that most folks would imagine being part of our own lives. And if you live in countries like Australia where the homicide rate is really low (<1/100 000) compared to the global average of 6/100 000 or super-high homicide countries like South Africa (>40/100 000), it’s an even more abstract concept. Regardless, no one expects to be intimately affected by something as grotesque as murder. Going to the cemetery may be your way of solidifying it, coming to terms with it. For others, you may not want to at all. I’m in the latter category. I know I will one day, but for now I still cannot. I’m trying hard to hold onto the living memories that were abruptly cut short. I’m not yet ready to accept the reason why my uncle’s body is lying in that grave. This is part of the grief process. And it’s important to realise the difference between normal grief and complex grief… Complex grief can control your life. I found this article (and a really good counsellor) helpful.
   https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2691160/
9. Seeing the body.
   I cannot recommend or discourage doing this. I would probably err on the side of caution. By default, murder is the ultimate act of violence. As great as undertakers are, your loved one will be physically hurt, damaged, wounded. I spoke to homicide cops and detectives before seeing my uncle. While they discouraged me because of the graphic nature of the injuries inflicted on him, I still did it. I simply could not believe he was dead let alone murdered. I’ve worked with cadavers & even though I’d never seen a murdered body before, I thought I’d be ok. Truth be told, I wasn’t prepared for the horrific damage, bullet wounds or deterioration. It made it so real: He really had been murdered. It also strengthened my resolve to stay on this marathon. But it also gives me nightmares from time to time. 12 months later, I still wake up with cold sweats, vomiting, having headaches, anxious if I don’t talk to my dad in a 24 hour period. I have to sleep with music/podcasts/background noise to distract my mind. Remember you cannot un-see once you see. Consider the impact this will have on you going forward. You will carry these images in your mind for the rest of your life. And it’s not something you can easily share with others. Be wise.
10. People will not know how to act around you. Or say dumb things.
    It’s true, human are both the most intelligent life form on earth, but also the most destructive. They can also be the most stupid too. Things like:

• “I know how you feel. When my ___ died, I felt ___ too.” Their loved one died of old age, cancer, an accident, etc…, it’s not even remotely comparable. You don’t know how I feel.
• Or “God wanted another angel in heaven.” Seriously? That’s what you got? So God wanted an angel, and he okayed some pathetic excuse of a criminal to MURDER my family member? Puh-lease, just shut up okay.
• Some folk may not know what to say. They literally clam up. It’s hard to get your head around murder, they may not want to say the wrong thing. And that’s okay.
• While others may ask you questions all the time: “What’s happening with the investigation? Do you know who did it? Do you know what he/she did to get murdered?” Clearly they haven’t been in this situation. It’s just as abstract as watching a news’ headline. They don’t realise the impact of the loss, the cacophony of emotions you’re experiencing or the fact that it is a criminal investigation and you cannot comment… In these situations, choose your battles. I take the path of least resistance and just tell folks to please stop — I cannot comment, it is a criminal investigation.
• And finally, there’ll be those who hop, skip and jump straight over it and think distraction is the best solution — things like inviting you to high tea, shopping, dining, parties, they bring the wine too… their solution to the most unimaginable pain you are going through is to ignore and pretend all is well. And maybe that’s their coping mechanism because they don’t know what to say or do.
  The important thing is to find your trusted inner circle, those who share the pain with you, be true to yourself, and do what you need to do to heal, move, cope as you become a new you.

Murder will change you irreversibly.

There’s death, and then there is murder. You can come to terms with death via old age, medical issue, disease, an accident. But the deliberate stealing of your loved one’s life by a vicious act of violence, you will never come to terms with that. Feeling sad and sorrowful is mixed with intense feelings of anger and a desire for retribution. You see the world differently. You see people differently. You’re acutely more aware of your surroundings. You read people more stringently. You assess the friends of your family and your friends more rigorously. Your tolerance for BS lowers. You cannot stand injustice. And you empathise more with those who are victims of anything — murder, abuse, rape, kidnapping… Because you feel their pain, you see their loss, and you know what they are going through. The situations may be different, but the impact is the same. You wonder why did murder have to be part of your story… 12 months in, I still don’t know. On the flipside, if you allow it, you can become more focused. More ardent on spending time with those who matter, doing things that matter. Your perspectives change. And that is not a bad thing. I’m still evolving and finding the revised me.

I truly hope none of you reading this end up in a situation like mine. I hope you never experience the height of human grotesque ugliness. I hope none of your loved ones end up murdered.

But for those of you who are in this situation (new or old), there is nothing in this life that can prepare you for surviving the murder of your loved one. Be kind to yourself.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
Biggest of hug to you.